Chapter Fifty-Two: Shot Through the Heart

He'd sat on the balcony ledge for hours. Maybe it had been hours, maybe it had only been five minutes. It was all a blur. He lifted the Jack Daniels to his lips and took comfort from the bitterness. It was a fuck load better than the bitterness that wrenched in the bottom of his belly.

He’d replayed it a million times through his head and it got stuck like an old movie reel. Devon was gone and he still was having difficulty dealing with why. When he thought she could have been hiding something he would have never guessed it was something like this. Hell stealing money did cross his mind but he had assumed she had stolen it from her asshole boyfriend. Not a fucking bank and certainly not two hundred and fifty fucking thousand dollars.

He hung his head and blew out his breath. The ache in the side of his head could be cured with more Jack but he’d just feel like ass in the morning.

Why Devon, why?

He wasn’t completely hollow. She was shattered when she told him and he saw it. One part of him wanted to grab her and tell her he still loved her but the other part of him wanted her banished out of his sight. He’d been betrayed only once or twice in his lifetime and he always made sure he never repaeated the same mistake again.

She had been living a lie. She’d lied to him and to herself and he hated liars. He sighed, he needed a cigarette or maybe another shot. But he didn’t hate her. How could he? She was Devon, his Devon. And he struggled with the the reasoning that he still loved her and he couldn’t let this just go.

The tiny voice inside of him wondered if she’d wanted his money, if she’d planned to rip him off but ended up falling in love with him for real. But he decided that wasn’t her, she wasn’t a deliberate crook. Well least he had hoped. He wasn’t thinking straight and he doubted he’d be able to for the rest of the night. He swung his feet up and curled in on the couch, closed his eyes and waited for sleep to claim him.

Jon prided himself always on being in control. Knowing what move to make before he was forced to make it. But this had come from left field and knocked him on his ass. He had never expected Devon to be hiding such a magnitude of a secret.

He wrestled with restlessness. When he had closed his eyes he could see her, when he breathed in he could smell her and when he swallowed he could taste her. Fuck.

He wanted to banish her from his mind, from his memory but that wans’t fucking happening. Instead she lingered on his lips and in his heart. He rubbed his forehead, and sighed. Good god. Had just asked her to move in with him? God, he was an idiot.

This is why you never fall in love fast Bongiovi.

What would his mother say if she knew? His ex-wife? He never made mistakes like this. Ever.

Jon knew he would have asked her to marry him within months. He god damn knew it. He hated that she did this that she went and fucked up his perfect plan. His perfect romance, hell he’d sung about it for years it was about time he actually believed in it. But he’d taken a risk with her, dived in head first and evidently forgot his lifejacket.

“Damn you Devon.”

Damn you because I still fucking love you.

He punched the cushion as he choked on the small lump that formed in his throat and blinked away the two drops that splashed onto his knuckles. He loved her like crazy. She had given him everything and successfully robbed him of it as well. She’d robbed his trust and his faith in her that she was every bit as lovely as she seemed. What a fucking fool he was.

But she was lovely. “Arrgh.” He growled into a pillow as it tormented him.
His hand balled into a fist and he pounded the edge of the couch. For the first time in twenty years he didn’t know what the fuck to do. And that scared him shitless.

~

He cracked an eye open. His head was pounding.


Bang bang bang.

“God.” He groaned as daylight filtered into the room and strips of heat beamed across him.

Bang Bang Bang.

He rubbed his head. This headache was like a fucking jackhammer on speed. He needed a handful of advil and to pound a water. Fast.

“Jon?”

Bang Bang Bang.

Fuck, it’s the door.

“Comin’” Christ, he squinted and reached for his sunglasses before the sunshine crippled him. He padded towards the door and opened it slowly not sure what was going to be on the other side. Hell what the fuck day was it?

“About fucking time.” Richie commented with his arms crossed.

“I was asleep. What time is it?”

“How long did you fuck last night? You look like crap.” Richie said. “It’s two in the afternoon.”

“It’s two!” Jon’s brow shot up and clutched his chest as it rushed through him like a bullet train. He remembered as the night came back to him. He reached through his phone and scrolled through the messages - there was nothing from her. He didn’t know why he expected there to be. He made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want anything to do with her. Even if it was a lie.

“You were meant to be my lunch date. Especially since you blew me off for some ass last night. You didn’t call... you didn't text...” He said dramatically.

Jon shook his head. He wasn’t in the mood for this but Richie was just being his usual self and he didn’t know where to start on his train wreck of a love life.

“Richie-can this wait?” He asked as he rubbed his temple. Christ where was that Advil?

“Hungover are we? So it was that kinda night huh!”

“Richie!” Jon snapped and curled his fingers around the door. “Sorry.”

“Ok what’s going on?” Richie looked over his shoulder. “Where is Devon?”

“At work.” If she hasn’t already left the country. The single knot inside his stomach tightened. He didn’t want her to go anywhere. But then again he didn’t know what the fuck he did want. It was just a clusterfuck.

“At work probably. “ Jon shrugged and wished he was still alone.

“Is something wrong?” Richie asked concerned.

“You could say that but right now I don’t really want to talk about it. Can we reschedule lunch? We’re writing tomorrow right?”

“Yeah, dude what's going on?”

He held his hand up and thanked god Richie couldn’t see his eyes which had to have been bloodhot to hell as they stung like a bitch. “Look Rich. I appreciate it but right now I have a headache bigger than Ben Hur so we’ll talk later, ok?”

Richie paused and Jon knew Richie wouldn’t push him when he was in a mood. “Ok. But you need to call me. Maybe I should stop in and see Devon, warn her that you’re in a mood today.”

He held up his hand. “Don’t. Just don’t do that. It’s complicated.””

“Jesus Jonny. Ok. Call me later.”

He sighed in relief. “Ok, I will. I promise. I just need to deal with this.”

Jon closed the door behind Richie and bowed his head against it. The sky was fucking cracked and the world was torn. He wanted to go back when he didn’t know this shit, back when they were beautiful. He stopped and fumbled through the drawer for a notepad and scrawled down the notes.

Back when we were beautiful.
Back when we were innocent.
Sky is cracked. World is Torn.

Well fuck, he could have something there. He tucked the notepad into the side of the couch and decided he needed a shower to wake him up and hopefully make him think clearer. Maybe throwing himself into writing would help.

He had behaved appallingly and he knew it. As the hot water drizzled down him and his muscles laxed he fought the need that hungrily ate at his gut to see her. He had no game plan - he had no idea what he even wanted to say to her. He just needed to see her.

He quickly redressed, ran a towel through his hair and headed downstairs before the urge left him. The wind was bitter and snapped around his neck as he bunched up his scarf. The seasons were turning and before long winter would be close behind.

He dashed into her salon and shook off the chill as he waited for her to greet him or someone to.

“Jon-hi.” Jonathan grinned as he rounded the counter.

“Hey Jonathan. I’m looking for Devon.”

“Well she’s not in today. She called in this morning and said she had something come up and wouldnt be in for a few days. And to reschedule all her appointments. She left me a message - I just assumed you had whipped her away on another one of your romantic getaways.”

“Oh-Um. I must have forgot, she probably told me. I’ve just had a lot going on with the getting the record off the ground.” He feebly lied. Last thing he needed was another interrogation like Richie’s and he didn’t want to get into this with Jonathan, for Devon’s sake.

“Well I don’t know what she’s got planned but go on up if you want.” Jonathan grinned.

“Ok thanks Jonathan - have a good day.” Jon exited quickly into the back passage to her loft. So she wasn’t at work. He knew now she’d be devastated, either that or she’d have left the city by now with her money. He took a deep breath and knocked on her door. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone.

“Who is there?”

He slumped against the door surprised to hear her voice and relief washed over him. She hadn’t left. He didn’t know what that meant for him but he just knew she hadn’t left.

“It’s Jon.”

There was silence and he wondered if for a second she wasn't going to open the door but the click of locks behind the door made him stand back and be eady for whatever would face him. When the door swung open, he soaked her in. She was in grey sweats with a tight light pink tee. Her hair was pushed back in a band from her face. While it was obvious she was tired... God, she looked just as gorgeous as fucking ever.

“Hi.” She half smiled. Her eyes were sad and her voice lifeless.

“Can I come in?”

She stepped back and let him in before she closed the door. “I’m surprised to see you.” She sat carefully on the edge of her couch but he stayed standing, not really sure where to put himself.

He raked a hand through his hair. “I honestly don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know what to think and I can’t think about anything else. I can’t process this.” He bit on the end of his thumb.

She nodded and folded her arms. “I’m so sorry. If it’s a small consolation I haven’t slept and all I’ve worried about is you.”

She meant it too. Her eyes were dull and as he looked closer, the usual fresh glow from her face was missing. He tucked his hand away as the urge to sweep his fingers over her cheek grew inside him but he held it back. He dug his hands into his pocket and leaned against the doorframe.

“For the first time in my life - I don’t know what to say or do.”

She clasped her hands together and sighed. “I know I’ve ruined everything. I can’t blame you.”

“I’m the only one that knows?” He didn’t even know why that made a difference but at least it would be contained. He hadn’t thought past what this meant, for not only him but his reputation. No one knew now but what if they did? The press would have a field day with this. God. Nobody needed that and nor did Devon.

“Yes. Jon I wanted you to know and I only told you because it was killing me to keep it from you. I loved you and I still do but this was wrong. It felt wrong to keep it from you.” Her words tripped over themselves at the end.

His throat formed a lump as he swallowed. “No matter what happens. I understand that and I appreciate it.” He knew it was the truth. She loved him like he hadn’t been loved before. No one could be that good of an actor.

“Can we keep it between us?”

She rose off the couch and tentatively walked towards him. “Of course. God Jon. If I could take it all back-what I did. I would. I mean it.”

He scuffed his heel on the carpet. “I know.” He sniffed and cleared his throat. “Are you ok?” He half offered her concern even though inside it was tearing him in half watching her like this.

She covered her mouth. “No. I’m not. I broke the heart of the person I care-have ever cared most about.”

The tears that spilled from her cheeks melted his cool exterior. God damn himself that he still loved her even after what she did. “C’mere.” He reached out to her and wrapped his arms around her and held her tight against his chest. She sobbed hard against him. Her scent drifted over him as he closed his eyes and savoured her warmth against him.

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and sifted his fingers through her hair. Fuck he wanted this to go away, he wanted her back. He wanted the Devon he trusted back but this wasn’t her. It killed him that he couldn’t shake it. Trust was such a huge thing and he wanted to trust her now but how the hell could he?

Try Dammit. You love her.

His arms squeezed tighter but it didn’t dull the pain in his head it didn’t take away the lasting ache in his chest so he pulled away.

“I-I thought I could do this. I did--I. God.” The sadness in her eyes was like the walls tumbling in around him, choking him. “I have to go. I need more time.” He stumbled back, anger melting to sadness.

“Jon-please.” Devon begged her tears. “I’m so scared.”

“Dev-I just can’t. I can’t.” He stepped out her door and closed it behind him. Who was the one running now? He couldn’t handle it. He slumped against the door and held his fists up against it. The faint sounds of her sobs that drifted from the other side would haunt him well into the night.

He was an asshole for leaving her but he couldn’t let himself slide back into her when that was all he desperately craved clouding his emotion. That need again clawed at him deep inside his belly. They weren’t the same anymore and hell right now he couldn't see past whether they ever would be again.